Wardrobe Malfunction!

I was planning my day, so first on the list was go to the post office and get stamps, then drop off a pair of shoes to be fixed, and the last thing, I would go shopping for a new dress that I needed for an event.

Some of you who read my blog may remember what happened to me before when I went shopping for sweaters. Since that incident I have decided to wear clothing that is easily removable when I shop. I figured that would make it easier all the way around. So I am standing in my closet perusing the possibilities. I see a tank top that I can wear and I won’t even have to take it off to try clothes on. I like that. I survey the rack for a skirt. It’s a nice day out, I think a skirt is appropriate and easier to take off and put back on than pants. ( no hopping on one leg if you miss the other pant leg!)

I see one of my pareo’s that I bought on a trip once. Now there’s the ticket, no buttons, zippers, snaps…nothing at all. All I have to do is wrap it around me and tie it. Bingo! That’s what I am going to do. So I put on my tank top and tie my skirt on like I have done a hundred times before. Grab some shoes and my purse and I am out the door.

I stop in the post office to buy stamps. I am probably one of the last hold outs for paying my bills by snail mail. I want to see the bill and write the check. I could skip the licking the envelope part though. I have such bad dry mouth from all the meds I take that it is quite an accomplishment when I do. I don’t want to sign up for those automatic payments, because they are always so hard to stop. I like tangible things. I don’t like thinking my money is flying through some never to be seen cloud. You would think I would rather pay it that way because it is so hard for me to write a legible check. My hand slips down the pen and scribbles out what looks like ancient hieroglyphics.

I have lost a lot of the small motor skills in my hands. It is hard to button buttons, to put on a necklace with a clasp, pin on a broach. ( I was going to say “Pin on a pin”, but that sounded stupid. ergo “Broach”). And besides, I already said button buttons.

I maneuver through the instructions on the do it yourself machine. I can still push buttons as long as my hands aren’t shaking. If they are shaking, then it’s the Wild West and who knows what I will hit. The machine spits out my stamps. At least they are peel and stick, no saliva involved. Good for me since I have none. I run into a friend on the way out and have a quick catch up. Then I am off to the shoe repair, saving the mall for last.

I drive up to the shoe repair. I still drive locally sometimes, when I am feeling good and can avoid freeways. I pull into the parking lot. It is full except for the handicap spot, I pull in and park, grab my handicap sign out of my purse and dangle it from the rear view mirror. ( dangle – what a fun word, very descriptive. Oops, I digress – sorry). I grab my shoes, purse and keys. I get out of the car, shut the door and head for the shoe repair shop. I stop to think, I feel like I have forgotten something. Oh yes! Silly me, I didn’t lock the car door. I whip the keys out of their holster, ( the unused cellphone pocket of my purse. My phone is so big it won’t fit, so I try to keep my keys there, although they never behave). I aim the keys at the car and push the lock button twice, the doors, the horn honks, so I know it worked and then my skirt- pareo immediately falls off !
I have the keys in one hand, my purse in the other! So I just use my hands while holding my stuff to push my pareo against my body and back up around my waist. I look around myself to see if anyone saw my predicament, and if they were laughing hysterically or pulling out their cellphones to capture my antics for posterity…I couldn’t let that one pass me by. Well it looks like the coast is clear and I won’t be going viral.

I guess I can’t tie knots as good as I used to. But maybe just maybe, that key fob has a candid camera button.image